miss_kae_oz: (Default)
In the comments on the evaluation from one of the students -

"I learned that some people blame themselves for being raped and they need to stop blaming themselves because it's not their fault, like me"

miss_kae_oz: (Default)
As I sit at the bus stop twiddling my thumbs and watching the cold carry my breath into the air during the 20 minutes between busses, I can't help but think "Why do I do this to myself? Let someone else be scheduled for the early morning classes. It'll get covered. I shouldn't be signing up for presentations yet. I am still behind on my project and have a test later today."
Then I have to remind myself I do this because I love it. Sure, there is some money. It is only a couple hours a day, but the pay is decent. But really, as frustrating, heart sickening, and tiring this can be, I love doing it. And I work with some wonderful people who never cease to amaze me in their handling of difficult, even scary, kids.
But I can't help wishing I were still in bed. This eratic schedule is wearing on me. Up till 5am one night, up at 6am the next.
miss_kae_oz: (pygmalion)
My boss shared this thank you letter she received from the teacher of one of the schools I did a couple of presentations. The classes, and the school, is geared toward ESL students.


Just a note to tell you how much my English Language Learner Health
Ed. students learned from and appreciated the presentation. The role
playing, drawings and handouts all helped make the material accessible
for my students. A special thank you to Patricia who was very patient
with students whose English skills are still developing. We look
forward to the receiving the Spanish and Chinese handouts in the mail.

It makes me feel good to know students get something out of us being there. In general I have been surprised at how well students receive us, how enthused they are to participate and ask questions, and how positive and thankful their evaluations are.

Lets just hope I didn't just jinx it all by saying typing it outloud.
miss_kae_oz: (Surprise!)
It is odd waking up at 8:30am and feeling like I slept in.

This is the first time in my life I have experienced Day Light Savings as a benefit. The only time I had to do mornings like this was in Arizona, where we do not recognize such wacky time fluctuations. The way Zoni's see it, days grow longer, then they grow shorter. Put your big kid pants on and deal with it, which should probably be our state motto. It would be a more gender neutral version of Az's current motto - Man Up, Throw Down, or Step Aside

After leaving Arizona, I pretty much only worked night jobs in night clubs and bars. Falling back to the normal time zone always stole daylight from my evenings. I love leaving for work at 8pm and see the sun still shining.

Now, today, I wake at 8 to go to work to have the sun shining through my windows, encouraging me to great the day. Only now it is 8 am. Thank you Daylight Savings Time!
miss_kae_oz: (Harly)
I had never been to the McClaren park area before stepping off the 29 this morning. Trying to figure out where the front entrance of Burton High was a bit befuddling. Luckily, a student who got off the bus at the same time as me was kind enough to show me the way. As we were walking around the east side of the building, he asked me "So, are you a new student?"
I have no illusions that I could pass for a teenager, but knowing that for a second, a highschool kid thought I could, was amusingly flattering.
miss_kae_oz: (normality)

Most of us say it at one point or another. "I just don't feel like an adult," or "I am just a big kid."

Guess what, *you are not a kid. And if you ever need help realizing this, spend a few hours a day every day for a week in highschools giving presentations to students. They will scare you, they will surprise you, they will make you smile. Through all of it, you will feel the gap years of experience has brought you. Even though we all have moments loning to relive younger moments and want second chances to do somethings over, you will, especially if 2 of those days were spent at a school for students with behavior problems and learning issues, thank your god for every year you have between you and highschool.

Things aren't always great, and the past 5 or so have been some of the hardest in my life, but oh my. How far we've come...

* - "You". As this is for my lj friends, most reading this are adults. If you are reading this and you are not an actual, legal adult, than this obviously does not apply to you.
miss_kae_oz: (Moonlight)
Today, I get to watch the sun rise on my way to work. When normally I would just be turning on Angel and setting my tv's sleep timer to settle into bed for the day, I was leaving the house. It seems the undependability of the 33 bus is going to leave me in the Mission almost an hour early. Se la. Better an hour early than 5 minutes late.

Today I have a 2 1/2 hour break between 10:40 and 1:20. I will be at the Folsom and 19th street area. If anyone is in that area between those times today and would like to get a bite to eat, just drop me a line.

Or, if anyone has any suggestions of where to eat in the area, I am always looking to narrow down my options and try something new.


Apr. 30th, 2008 03:49 pm
miss_kae_oz: (Asskicking boots)
Tomorrow is the "Big Day". My first (and hopefully not only) day I present as a representative of Project Survive. I am a bit nervous. While most classes are easy going for the most part, there is still the idea that one is potentially challenging what people were brought up to believe and have believed their whole lives. Will I be able to make good arguments on behalf of Project Survive if challenged? And will I be able to do so without being argumentative or aggressive? I sure hope so.
Even more intimidating, next week I have to do a very similar presentation, Expect Respect, only for highschoolers. I know my friends were little shits when we had presentations we were forced to sit through. Man, we resented having a bunch of b.s. forced upon us. But, I hope, what we have to present is not bullshit, and is actually engaging and relevant.
This semester is coming to a close quickly.
Send me good wishes!!!

Men's Work

Apr. 18th, 2008 02:52 am
miss_kae_oz: (Default)
Reading [livejournal.com profile] dali_drama's recent post really got my blood up. And I couldn't help but think of one of the books I am reading "Men's Work" by Paul Kivel.
If you have hung out with me in person recently, you probably have heard me mention this book. Paul Kivel does work with Oakland mens groups, including workshops with men soon to be released from prison. It is about the relation of how men are raised and violence and sexism.
In the book when he asks a couple of the guys in the prison program "if you are walking down the street and get turned on, does that girl owe you anything [sex]
?" and they answere "[Yes]If she is the one who caused it".
There are a lot of these kind of statements. Statements that show there are still a hell of a lot of men who still think of women only in their relation to men and what they provide them.
Having to deal with men in this fashion is one of the most frustrating, anger inducing, and dehumanizing things in females lives. And we are often made to feel oversensitive and overemotional when we react to not being allowed our own space, our own feelings, and just the general respect men expect on a daily basis.
Yes, this is a sensitive thing with me.

*end rambling rant*
miss_kae_oz: (bad girl)
Having a conversation in class about what kind of programs for educating youth on sex and healthy relationships are available for 4th - 8th graders, I think back to the sort of presentations I was forced to sit through as a child, I am left wondering.
How much influence has years of people in bear costumes and squirrel costumes talking about "good hugs" and "bad hugs" had in creating Furry Fetishism?
miss_kae_oz: (Default)
is not
miss_kae_oz: (Fuck Sober)
Anxiety is getting the best of me today. I have an hour and a half to sit and eat before I have to turn around and head back to campus. Yet I still can't make myself calm down and my head focus. I am writing (texting, really) in my lj to help. Often when I write in lj it is to help calm and focus my head. It helps.
Yesterday, my day started with a conversation with a bill collector from the hospital. Not really the hospital exactly. The doctor from SF General. He has his own personal bill collecting agency. And they are ruthless. His name is Jim Duncan. Last time I had talked to him was a year ago when he yelled at me saying I was what was wrong with America and it was wrong of me to purchase what I can not afford. I yelled at him saying "It's not like a bought a big screen TV and am refusing to pay for it". When it came to the choice of possible death or debt, I chose debt. I have a strong feeling that if Mr. Jim Duncan (Duncun?) could, he would come reposses my health.
Well, Mr. Jim Duncan, you have succeeded. I have not been back to any doctor since and may never go again. I can not afford to be diagnosed with anything ever again.

Then, coincidently the same day, a trip to the Financial Aide office informed me the notice of approval on my student profile page was a type-O and, in fact, I will not be receiving the money I have been expecting. My reviewer said in a note that he is not happy with my academic progress and wants to see me go a few semesters with out it. When he knows damn well, as we discussed in out meeting, that:

After this semester, I will have too many attempted credits to qualify for financial aid.

My GPA has gone up every semester since I have come back to school a few years ago and I am not doing so bad as I am working my way up from a .08 I earned the first time I ended up in the hospital 10 years ago for kidney crap and didn't inform the school. (I was young and didn't know anything about admin red tape).

That I have not received FA the last 3 semesters.

I also have been having disturbing dreams. Not scary. Scary would be a relief from these dreams. I am not even going to start trying to describe them in detail. It wouldn't work. But they are frustrating,uncomfortable, icky, aggravating, and detailed.

Days like this I wish I had a doc. I feel as if I can not bear the day. I need to avoid drinking as this is super crunch time for all my school projects, so I can not go drink to release my anxiety and frustration.
I want to crawl in a hole for awhile. The only reason I am out of bed is the legitimate fear of things getting worse if I don't start the fixin' now. Right now. I woke up after 4 hours sleep and had to force myself to stay in bed, convincing myself that I can't make things better on no sleep before anything is open.

At least I seem to be breathing more regularly now. 1/2 hour left to just sit till I need to head back. Breath in - breath out, I am doing fine.
miss_kae_oz: (girl power)
Just to show that my ending sexual violence classes are not all "men are evil/women are saints" as Kit likes to tell people -

While practicing giving Project SURVIVE presentations, I just had to somewhat graphically describe in front of the class how it is physically possible that a woman can rape a man.
miss_kae_oz: (torso)
I am trying to keep a positive outlook on the world this semester, but it is difficult at times. After all, the names of my text books are:

I Never Called It Rape;        Robin Warshaw
Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart;         Paul Kivel
You Can Be Free: An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women;          Ginny NiCarthy

And a couple of texts on HIV and Safer Sex.

I try not to take school home with me, but, as I said, it is difficult sometimes. (So men, if I am glaring at you like you are evil scum, don't take it personal. I am just reflecting on the violence and repression you cause in our poor, female lives I am forced to face for 8 hours a day, 3 days a week **).

So, thank you [profile] velvetsiren  for your recent post.
 It amused me much. And I am printing it out for my teacher.

** - Don't worry, during those same hours, I am forced to face all the evil I inflict on the world by being part of the oppressive white majority, and yes, we do go over how women can be, and are abusive as well


miss_kae_oz: (Default)

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