Aug. 21st, 2008

miss_kae_oz: (pygmalion)
Another night of 2 1/2 hours of heavy sleep with intense, frustrating dreams then popping awake, unable to return to sleepy land. Perhaps it is because of the elbow in my ribs belonging to the swamp heater rumbling heavily next to me. But more so, I have a lot on the brain.

I should be updating with excitement about leaving for Seattle in one week. Instead I am contemplating canceling and researching the possibilities of refunds. Money, the ever source of stress, is tight again. It seemed completely under control when the trip was planned. Purchasing tickets so far ahead with the intention of saving our pennies for the rest for a couple of months, it seemed so feasible. Now, our phones will be turned off Sept 7th, we still haven't paid the storage bill for August, and September is looming. I also need to figure out a way to purchase CS3. I could just use the computers at the school, but limited lab hours make that difficult.

So much for my Birthday month. I will be another year aged in 2 weeks, on Sept 5th. Perhaps the worries of getting older hang heavy over my head, but I don't really think so. I have no problem with getting older. That which bothers me is the years seem to be slipping away faster from me than I can use them. It sometimes feels I have been sitting, waiting for life to start and before I know it, it is already reaching the beginning of its denouement. I find myself falling into the patterns that make up my worst fear, my worst fate - the patterns of the unhappy house wife - a life just merely existing. Passion is found in the characters on the television, excitement from opening the bottle of wine just after noon. Watching others living life thinking "I wish". The doldrums is one of the most destructive conditions to my being.

It is almost 11am. My "stories" are almost on. Burn Notice marathon today. And if I wake the snoring swamp heater. Perhaps I can get him to take me to lunch before his class. I can feel the excitement already.

.... see what happens when I don't get enough sleep for a couple days in a row.

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