Apr. 9th, 2008

miss_kae_oz: (Fuck Sober)
Anxiety is getting the best of me today. I have an hour and a half to sit and eat before I have to turn around and head back to campus. Yet I still can't make myself calm down and my head focus. I am writing (texting, really) in my lj to help. Often when I write in lj it is to help calm and focus my head. It helps.
Yesterday, my day started with a conversation with a bill collector from the hospital. Not really the hospital exactly. The doctor from SF General. He has his own personal bill collecting agency. And they are ruthless. His name is Jim Duncan. Last time I had talked to him was a year ago when he yelled at me saying I was what was wrong with America and it was wrong of me to purchase what I can not afford. I yelled at him saying "It's not like a bought a big screen TV and am refusing to pay for it". When it came to the choice of possible death or debt, I chose debt. I have a strong feeling that if Mr. Jim Duncan (Duncun?) could, he would come reposses my health.
Well, Mr. Jim Duncan, you have succeeded. I have not been back to any doctor since and may never go again. I can not afford to be diagnosed with anything ever again.

Then, coincidently the same day, a trip to the Financial Aide office informed me the notice of approval on my student profile page was a type-O and, in fact, I will not be receiving the money I have been expecting. My reviewer said in a note that he is not happy with my academic progress and wants to see me go a few semesters with out it. When he knows damn well, as we discussed in out meeting, that:

After this semester, I will have too many attempted credits to qualify for financial aid.

My GPA has gone up every semester since I have come back to school a few years ago and I am not doing so bad as I am working my way up from a .08 I earned the first time I ended up in the hospital 10 years ago for kidney crap and didn't inform the school. (I was young and didn't know anything about admin red tape).

That I have not received FA the last 3 semesters.

I also have been having disturbing dreams. Not scary. Scary would be a relief from these dreams. I am not even going to start trying to describe them in detail. It wouldn't work. But they are frustrating,uncomfortable, icky, aggravating, and detailed.

Days like this I wish I had a doc. I feel as if I can not bear the day. I need to avoid drinking as this is super crunch time for all my school projects, so I can not go drink to release my anxiety and frustration.
I want to crawl in a hole for awhile. The only reason I am out of bed is the legitimate fear of things getting worse if I don't start the fixin' now. Right now. I woke up after 4 hours sleep and had to force myself to stay in bed, convincing myself that I can't make things better on no sleep before anything is open.

At least I seem to be breathing more regularly now. 1/2 hour left to just sit till I need to head back. Breath in - breath out, I am doing fine.

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miss_kae_oz

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