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Apr. 9th, 2008 04:07 pmAnxiety is getting the best of me today. I have an hour and a half to sit and eat before I have to turn around and head back to campus. Yet I still can't make myself calm down and my head focus. I am writing (texting, really) in my lj to help. Often when I write in lj it is to help calm and focus my head. It helps.
Yesterday, my day started with a conversation with a bill collector from the hospital. Not really the hospital exactly. The doctor from SF General. He has his own personal bill collecting agency. And they are ruthless. His name is Jim Duncan. Last time I had talked to him was a year ago when he yelled at me saying I was what was wrong with America and it was wrong of me to purchase what I can not afford. I yelled at him saying "It's not like a bought a big screen TV and am refusing to pay for it". When it came to the choice of possible death or debt, I chose debt. I have a strong feeling that if Mr. Jim Duncan (Duncun?) could, he would come reposses my health.
Well, Mr. Jim Duncan, you have succeeded. I have not been back to any doctor since and may never go again. I can not afford to be diagnosed with anything ever again.
Then, coincidently the same day, a trip to the Financial Aide office informed me the notice of approval on my student profile page was a type-O and, in fact, I will not be receiving the money I have been expecting. My reviewer said in a note that he is not happy with my academic progress and wants to see me go a few semesters with out it. When he knows damn well, as we discussed in out meeting, that:
After this semester, I will have too many attempted credits to qualify for financial aid.
My GPA has gone up every semester since I have come back to school a few years ago and I am not doing so bad as I am working my way up from a .08 I earned the first time I ended up in the hospital 10 years ago for kidney crap and didn't inform the school. (I was young and didn't know anything about admin red tape).
That I have not received FA the last 3 semesters.
I also have been having disturbing dreams. Not scary. Scary would be a relief from these dreams. I am not even going to start trying to describe them in detail. It wouldn't work. But they are frustrating,uncomfortable, icky, aggravating, and detailed.
Days like this I wish I had a doc. I feel as if I can not bear the day. I need to avoid drinking as this is super crunch time for all my school projects, so I can not go drink to release my anxiety and frustration.
I want to crawl in a hole for awhile. The only reason I am out of bed is the legitimate fear of things getting worse if I don't start the fixin' now. Right now. I woke up after 4 hours sleep and had to force myself to stay in bed, convincing myself that I can't make things better on no sleep before anything is open.
At least I seem to be breathing more regularly now. 1/2 hour left to just sit till I need to head back. Breath in - breath out, I am doing fine.
Yesterday, my day started with a conversation with a bill collector from the hospital. Not really the hospital exactly. The doctor from SF General. He has his own personal bill collecting agency. And they are ruthless. His name is Jim Duncan. Last time I had talked to him was a year ago when he yelled at me saying I was what was wrong with America and it was wrong of me to purchase what I can not afford. I yelled at him saying "It's not like a bought a big screen TV and am refusing to pay for it". When it came to the choice of possible death or debt, I chose debt. I have a strong feeling that if Mr. Jim Duncan (Duncun?) could, he would come reposses my health.
Well, Mr. Jim Duncan, you have succeeded. I have not been back to any doctor since and may never go again. I can not afford to be diagnosed with anything ever again.
Then, coincidently the same day, a trip to the Financial Aide office informed me the notice of approval on my student profile page was a type-O and, in fact, I will not be receiving the money I have been expecting. My reviewer said in a note that he is not happy with my academic progress and wants to see me go a few semesters with out it. When he knows damn well, as we discussed in out meeting, that:
After this semester, I will have too many attempted credits to qualify for financial aid.
My GPA has gone up every semester since I have come back to school a few years ago and I am not doing so bad as I am working my way up from a .08 I earned the first time I ended up in the hospital 10 years ago for kidney crap and didn't inform the school. (I was young and didn't know anything about admin red tape).
That I have not received FA the last 3 semesters.
I also have been having disturbing dreams. Not scary. Scary would be a relief from these dreams. I am not even going to start trying to describe them in detail. It wouldn't work. But they are frustrating,uncomfortable, icky, aggravating, and detailed.
Days like this I wish I had a doc. I feel as if I can not bear the day. I need to avoid drinking as this is super crunch time for all my school projects, so I can not go drink to release my anxiety and frustration.
I want to crawl in a hole for awhile. The only reason I am out of bed is the legitimate fear of things getting worse if I don't start the fixin' now. Right now. I woke up after 4 hours sleep and had to force myself to stay in bed, convincing myself that I can't make things better on no sleep before anything is open.
At least I seem to be breathing more regularly now. 1/2 hour left to just sit till I need to head back. Breath in - breath out, I am doing fine.
Boring Dream Stuff -
Last night I dreamed I went on a cruise that ended up going to a cove of a very small, yet touristy, arctic town. I don't actually know if it was in the arctic, but it was arctic cold. The land was brown and green mountains topped with snow. What we didn't know, is seasonally this area suffered from freak, terrible storms that came is sudden violent waves, and of course, it was the season. They called these storms Fjords. I have no idea why my brain chose that word, but that is what they were called - Fjords. We had just gotten word a band of tourists were just lost to one of these storm waves. Of course, being a dream, when the storm hits again, it is not just a storm, but hidden in the gusts of wind and snow were monsters. A giant panther, a few tall, seemingly icy, blue characters, and a large lizard-y thing that stood up straight and dragged a long tail behind. I keep searching my brain for some reason behind my subconscious naming the storms Fjords.
I also dreamed about surviving a ship accident and floating around the sea and being picked up by a navy ship. When lifted aboard, you could see in the water all the soldiers who have died on the sea. It was creepy and very sad.
And I dreamed that looked out my window (which is physically impossible as the window is curtained as is my bed) and it was blue sky's with round, bright white, puffy clouds .
There were more, but not particularly memorable at the moment.
Last night I dreamed I went on a cruise that ended up going to a cove of a very small, yet touristy, arctic town. I don't actually know if it was in the arctic, but it was arctic cold. The land was brown and green mountains topped with snow. What we didn't know, is seasonally this area suffered from freak, terrible storms that came is sudden violent waves, and of course, it was the season. They called these storms Fjords. I have no idea why my brain chose that word, but that is what they were called - Fjords. We had just gotten word a band of tourists were just lost to one of these storm waves. Of course, being a dream, when the storm hits again, it is not just a storm, but hidden in the gusts of wind and snow were monsters. A giant panther, a few tall, seemingly icy, blue characters, and a large lizard-y thing that stood up straight and dragged a long tail behind. I keep searching my brain for some reason behind my subconscious naming the storms Fjords.
I also dreamed about surviving a ship accident and floating around the sea and being picked up by a navy ship. When lifted aboard, you could see in the water all the soldiers who have died on the sea. It was creepy and very sad.
And I dreamed that looked out my window (which is physically impossible as the window is curtained as is my bed) and it was blue sky's with round, bright white, puffy clouds .
There were more, but not particularly memorable at the moment.
(no subject)
Apr. 20th, 2007 06:04 pmI have tried to pay attention to lj recently, but just haven't quite been able to make myself. That whole "concentration" thing alludes me these days.
I still have to respond to my being tagged by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
inkbot, but haven't been able to sit and think that long.
Last night I had to bad dreams, both involving phone calls, sorta. One, I had a camera, a large camera with a large lens that was also a phone and cb. While I was messing with it, I heard a voice, I could not tell if it was a phone call I accidently picked up or if it was a cb signal. The voice sounded familiar but it was broken and static-y. Not being familiar with the device, while trying to get the call in better and figure out whether it was from the cb or the phone I lost the call and any ability to figure out who it was from. But it had sounded like my sister, saying something "she wants you to come to breakfast on saturday." I knew she must be talking about my mom. In my dream I still lived near home but hadn't contacted my family in over 3 days. The dream was inexplicably creepy feeling. Like an ominous omen. The call coming in in a strange, vague manner and only being able to hear a bit about saturday morning left me with that uncomfortable feeling something bad was going to happen by saturday morning.
2nd - I was at someone else's house, I can't remember whose or why. The phone rang and woke me from a groggy nap. Not completely awake, I thought I heard someone leave a message on the machine, but I couldn't make out anything. I only noticed breathing and noises. It left me with a worried feeling so I tried to wake myself up a bit to listen to the message. When I woke up, I realized I wasn't even sure if I should be where I was let alone checking messages, so I didn't check it. Then the phone rang again. I debated picking up and decided that would be a bad idea, especially since I had remembered I was currently suffering from laryngitis and they wouldn't hear anything I tried to say anyway. But when the machine picked up, I heard again what I thought I had heard while sleeping - breathing, gasping someone trying to talk but unable. It was glaringly obvious it was the sound of a girl who was attacked, possibly still being attacked, trying to call for help. I didn't know if she was calling this number on purpose, but had done so twice, so I was assuming yes. I made a desperate decision to pick up the phone and try to talk to her. I couldn't just sit there and listen. I tried to tell her to try to get out one word, just one word that would give me a clue as to where she was or anything she would want me to know. But, of course, nothing but air and squeaks came out. I desperately wanted to tell her to hang up and call 911 so they could trace the call and go to her. I couldn't say anything to her, she couldn't say anything to me and I didn't know if she was calling from a cell phone and that 911 would not be able to locate her anyway.
Yeah.
I still haven't motivated myself to leave the house and hunt down food yet today. I have to make myself do that so I have time to come home and shower before work.
I still have to respond to my being tagged by
inkbot, but haven't been able to sit and think that long. Last night I had to bad dreams, both involving phone calls, sorta. One, I had a camera, a large camera with a large lens that was also a phone and cb. While I was messing with it, I heard a voice, I could not tell if it was a phone call I accidently picked up or if it was a cb signal. The voice sounded familiar but it was broken and static-y. Not being familiar with the device, while trying to get the call in better and figure out whether it was from the cb or the phone I lost the call and any ability to figure out who it was from. But it had sounded like my sister, saying something "she wants you to come to breakfast on saturday." I knew she must be talking about my mom. In my dream I still lived near home but hadn't contacted my family in over 3 days. The dream was inexplicably creepy feeling. Like an ominous omen. The call coming in in a strange, vague manner and only being able to hear a bit about saturday morning left me with that uncomfortable feeling something bad was going to happen by saturday morning.
2nd - I was at someone else's house, I can't remember whose or why. The phone rang and woke me from a groggy nap. Not completely awake, I thought I heard someone leave a message on the machine, but I couldn't make out anything. I only noticed breathing and noises. It left me with a worried feeling so I tried to wake myself up a bit to listen to the message. When I woke up, I realized I wasn't even sure if I should be where I was let alone checking messages, so I didn't check it. Then the phone rang again. I debated picking up and decided that would be a bad idea, especially since I had remembered I was currently suffering from laryngitis and they wouldn't hear anything I tried to say anyway. But when the machine picked up, I heard again what I thought I had heard while sleeping - breathing, gasping someone trying to talk but unable. It was glaringly obvious it was the sound of a girl who was attacked, possibly still being attacked, trying to call for help. I didn't know if she was calling this number on purpose, but had done so twice, so I was assuming yes. I made a desperate decision to pick up the phone and try to talk to her. I couldn't just sit there and listen. I tried to tell her to try to get out one word, just one word that would give me a clue as to where she was or anything she would want me to know. But, of course, nothing but air and squeaks came out. I desperately wanted to tell her to hang up and call 911 so they could trace the call and go to her. I couldn't say anything to her, she couldn't say anything to me and I didn't know if she was calling from a cell phone and that 911 would not be able to locate her anyway.
Yeah.
I still haven't motivated myself to leave the house and hunt down food yet today. I have to make myself do that so I have time to come home and shower before work.
