Aug. 4th, 2008


Aug. 4th, 2008 03:56 pm
miss_kae_oz: (bloody batgirl)
It is nothing new. I have become obsessed with games. Now that I have found a free Free Cell download for a game site I use frequently, it has gotten worse. I play for hours on end when I should be going to bed, trying to beat a high score or trying to go one level higher on Bubble Bop. Before it was just Fowl Word, Reversi, and trying to learn how to play chess (I suck at chess but have fun learning).

I know this is escapism. It is my drug. The more I try to do things like avoid drinking or just watching tv, the more I immerse myself in games. The more I feel I am missing out on in life, the more I try to replace it with the fantasy of accomplishment and obtainment. The excitement of sex and adventure in a safe little box in my room.

Since I force myself not to turn on the X-Box or Playstation as to not loose whole days to Gladius, Star Wars Battlefront, or HitMan, I find myself clicking away on the desktop. I do play it less hours than a console game, and break up the play with a bit of internet cruising and flawed attempts to work on my resume. But still.... Who knows, To stop this insidious obsession, I may need medication. A prescriptive anti-depressant that fulfills whatever emotional need this electronic stopgap does.

I have noticed that video games also replaces booze and drugs at parties as the wall of security people hide behind. When there is not a lot of drinking, instead of using a curtain of booze to prevent intimate connections and real, yet awkward conversations, people turn on games. A way for people to interact without really having to interact. A safe, yet close distance.

I was visiting my old roommate Ed this weekend. It was fun, but I was reminded of the older days. We were experts at escapism, back when we resided in our industrial dwelling. We had a created quite the den of indulgences and pleasures. But we (I, that is) had more going on for myself then then I do now. I had good jobs and a direction. The indulgences and pleasures were for our friends and ourselves in the in-between times. We both miss that time. His life is going well, but functions much more domestically, to his dismay. My life barely functions.

I still want my indulgence and escapism. I just want the functioning, moving forward part of my life back as well. And my powerful need to escape is not helping. It may not be creating great damage in my life, but I am sure loosing a lot of time that I could be putting in the work to improve my life.

I am just thankful for my girlfriends who seem to be able to pull me out and away. Another form of escapism, yes, but a healthier, more interactive one, I think. Thanks [ profile] ultraminx for coming with me this weekend. I had much more fun with you there (then again, I always do). And thanks [ profile] velvetsiren and [ profile] inoah for our little lunch yesterday. Despite the horrendous service, it was fun.


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